when you can’t see the light.

I have almost hit my 4 week mark since I set out for Cambodia. And if I’m going to be completely honest with you (which I am), these have been the 4 hardest and darkest weeks of my life. I bet you were thinking that this would be some light-hearted blog about all the good and fun I’ve been having here. Yes, there has been good and there has been fun, but that’s not what this blog is about. I really wanted to wait and blog until I came out of this slump, but I feel like now is the perfect time to blog. I am going to be vulnerable with you here. That’s not always my strong point, but it’s needed. I want you to know the things I have been walking through, partly to encourage anyone that struggles the way I am, and partly because I need some prayer warriors.

Some of you might not know, and if you didn’t, now you do. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life, and I have struggled with depression for years. I have walked through many phases of both, but this phase has, by far, been the worst yet.

These past 4 weeks, I have struggled with anxiety and depression in ways that I never thought possible. These weeks have been the darkest weeks of my life. It’s like the joy in my life has slipped through my hands. I can’t seem to grip onto it. Each day is a struggle to complete because of my loss of joy.

Each day since I have left, I have had not one, but multiple breakdowns. Not just normal breakdowns, but breakdowns that leave me on the floor or flat on my bed. They are crippling, and I never quite recover from one to the next. I can’t seem to control them. They are unexpected but expected at the same time.

I am afraid to go to bed because of what the next day holds. I know when I wake up in the morning, it’s just going to start all over again. It’s like a bad dream on repeat. I never quite know how I am going to make it through my day, but I always do.

I feel as if I am trapped in my own body, drowning, alone, not able to take control, and not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s terrifying feeling this way. I’ve started on medicine, started counseling, started exercising, have started making friends, and still, I am drowning.

I have realized (along with talking to others), that the baggage you deal with back at home is magnified on the mission field. I have to deal with my anxiety and depression, along with a whole new culture. I am dealing with that, while my world was just flipped upside down. The life and comforts that I was used to no longer exist while I am here. It seems as if I am sinking.

But I will tell you, the ONLY THING that is getting me through each day is JESUS. The only thing. I have had no other choice to lean on Him. He’s it. He IS what sustains me each day. I am learning to trust my Savior in a way that I never had to before. He is drawing me nearer to Him each day, and I am falling more in love with Him each day.

I might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but Jesus does. He is the light in my darkness. I might not know where I am headed or what the greater purpose of this all is, but He does. And I pray. I pray that He does use this for His glory! I might not ever see the purpose of this on this side of eternity, but there has to be one. I have to trust that. I have to trust that in the midst of this storm, that Jesus is my anchor.

Since I have arrived to this country that is half way around the world from my home, the Lord keeps bringing up ‘refuge’ in scripture. He keeps reminding me that He is my Refuge and my strength. He is my hiding place. He is my comfort.

Part of Psalm 18 says, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take REFUGE, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold…In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”

He hears me. My refuge hears me. He hears me when I am flat on my face or on my knees crying out to Him. He knows my struggle. He knows that I hurt and ache from head to toe. He knows the battle I am fighting. HE IS fighting that battle for me. I trust that God will free me from this. I don’t know when. I don’t know if it will happen here on this earth. But one day, I will be healed and free from this pain. Until then, I have to trust Him and grasp onto Him in this storm.

I hope and pray that this encourages someone today. I hope that if you feel the same way as I do, that you know JESUS IS THE LIGHT in the midst of your pain,in the midst of your darkness. He is guiding you and caring for you each step of the way. He is The Way. He is the Comforter. And He is our Refuge.